This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
