i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
