Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
