The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
