mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
