I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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