I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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