Pants 0. Shit 1.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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