4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
