SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
