If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
