i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
