If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
