how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
