i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
