it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
