I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
