Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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