here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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