found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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