apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
