when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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