youre lurking in front of me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sober January is a disaster.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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