I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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