Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize