Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize