So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
