He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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