A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
