R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
