you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
