By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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