i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
