its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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