Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
