dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
