so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize