took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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