I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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