just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i dont even know how to be here
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you had me at cake vodka
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
