Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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