i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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