I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
