I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize