i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
