Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
