so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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