So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
