if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize