Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Found your dick twin last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
