How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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