Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
