I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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