You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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