I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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