so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
