I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
