so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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